It's early morning and she's in the shower, lost in her own thoughts. It isn't an unusual routine for her, she does this often, both here and... well, back where she's meant to be living, but it all feels different this time around for Iris. She's tired. Mentally and emotionally more than physically, but she's tired and she's drained and she's entirely at a loss. Mostly, she wants her mind to settle and for something, just once, to actually pan out in her favor and work out in her way. For one day, just one, to be less confusing and frustrating than the entire last year has been for her. Because its been a long fucking year, she's exhausted, and she's losing her sense of direction and where to turn.

She's also back to herself, her adult self, but she's tired. Tired of the shifts, tired of the headaches, tired of the worrying and the feelings and everything that's currently attached to this new life she did not ask to have. She knows the life she signed up for – well, sort of. If she was being more accurate and honest, it was the life she agreed to live, because she never went into it with open eyes. Iris had been too deep in her relationship with Barry to simply walk away from it, letting him go, and she knew what she was agreeing to stay with, the lifestyle she'd keep living. And then Wally became Kid Flash, her own children became superheroes and lost their lives. Bart and Jenni and – well, it was a family affair, and she had agreed to that.

But Iris hadn't agreed to this new life, any of it, or what came with this. Her own life was ripped away from her and she was forced to live someone else's the bulk of the time. Glimpses and snippets of her own popped up every so often, but they were not really hers. This was not Central City, these were not the villains she was used to finding, and it was as if she had returned to the life she was living before finding out Barry's secret. Secrets and lies, sometimes straight to her face (some of them being lies-by-omission), feeling isolated and alone, few people to confide in alone and, frankly, scared of the changes going on in the world around her. Where to go, what to do, how the handle things – more and more it felt as if she was shouldering that burden alone in the world. It was illogical, she knew, but with each passing month and the more she discovered, the more she felt back into a corner and knowing she was falling behind others. And that was a feeling she hated to have, but lately, she couldn't escape it.

As a child, she'd quickly built up her armor and defenses. With her parents and siblings like Daniel and Rudy, it was a necessity in life. Charlotte, she was – well, pretty much a stranger in Iris's life, mostly, after she set off for school. It was armor and defenses, a carefully guarded person for years. Love and a family led to her taking off the armor, letting down her defenses, but it was back now. A necessary thing in this life, this new world, and with all of the changes that were happening around her. To her.

She's tired and she's frustrated and her heart breaks a little more every day and it's fucking exhausting to deal with emotions that are hers, emotions that aren't, and a world that's changing around her. Sometimes for the better, sometimes not, and most if the time, she is not sure if she should embrace the changes or run from them. Cling to a life she knew, one that she loved, or embrace a whole new world and what came with it.

Or, in some cases, didn't come with it because she's certain she can't get her old life back and there are some days that in the back of her mind, she finds herself questioning if she really wants it back or that could be that nagging voice and feeling again, one that tells her to let go and move on (and maybe for her own sanity and well-being, she should). It's a new world, a new life, and maybe she shouldn't worry herself with previous ties or connections. It could be a fresh and new start, maybe, something to change directions. Change wasn't always bad, it was sometimes good. She was good at adjusting; it had happened countless times for her, after all. Being old, being alone, losing a husband, losing children. Finding family again. Iris constantly found herself dealing with change and loss and adjusting to moving on from it and handling life as best as she could.

Stepping out of the shower, she wrapped a towel around her body and squeezed the excess water out of her hair before leaning in to wipe the water from the mirror, frowning at her reflection. These days, it was it was difficult to recognize the person she was forced to become, she ached with the exhaustion from trying, but she could learn to make do. She always did.